Dating apps are seemingly the ‘go-to’ for many nowadays and it’s easy to understand why. It can be hard to meet people outside of our local social spheres and joining a dating site can widen the net and be a great introduction to a whole host of people we wouldn’t necessarily happen to meet in our everyday lives.
Like many of my friends, I have had a mix of good and not-so-good experiences using dating apps. It’s hard for any of us to put ourselves ‘out there’ but I do think it’s harder for those of us who look different in some way. Because, when we have to upload a photo for all potential matches to see, what might this mean for those of us with a visible difference?
Dating apps are one-dimensional and a mere snapshot of who we are and what we’re about.
Now, none of us can ever be sure how we are perceived by those scrolling on their phones, but what I do know is that I have (so far) mostly received interest from people registered on disabled dating sites rather than non-disabled sites; I’m signed up to both.
The good experiences I’ve had has been connecting with people from across the UK and enjoying some dates. The not-so-good has been the big difference in interest received from people according to whether they are using a disabled or non-disabled dating app. I did wonder whether I would receive any negative or abusive comments when I loaded my profile on the ‘non-disabled’ dating site, but that hasn’t happened, which is something. Although it is sad and frustrating that I, and many others with a visible difference, have to consider this very real concern in the first place.
At its simplest level, a difficult and stark reminder is proved: so many people do indeed judge people based on their appearance – on the image displayed on their dating profile. This is the ultimate frustration with dating apps; they are one-dimensional and a mere snapshot of who we are and what we’re about.
What’s more: when reflecting on my experiences of ‘disabled’ and ‘non-disabled’ dating sites, I’ve found that segregation is an unhelpful and frankly false dichotomy. Do disabled people only ever go out with other disabled people? No! Do non-disabled people only ever go out with non-disabled people? No! I am not interested in whether someone identifies as a disabled person or a non-disabled person! I am interested in their values, connections and what they like to do – what makes them tick, what their experiences are. Whether or not someone has a difference of some kind is, for me, immaterial.
It is perfectly understandable and very natural for any of us, whether we have an unusual appearance or not, to feel apprehensive about taking those first steps towards dating. Yes, it can be a bit daunting but it is for most people and once you start, it really does become much easier, I promise.
None of us are typically very good at ‘bigging’ ourselves up so asking a friend to cast an eye over your profile before it goes live can be very helpful. As can chatting about which kinds of apps might work best for you. Take a deep breath, embrace the uncertainty and the unknown, and get stuck in. Don’t regret the things you’ve never tried… To quote Susan Jeffers, ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’.
It’s clear to see that my relationship with dating apps is complex. But, having come this far, I’ll carry on for now; I mean, none of us ever know what’s round the corner, right?
