My name is Helen. I’m 50 years old and I’m a Macmillan nurse. When I was 15, I was knocked down crossing the road and am very lucky to be alive. I needed extensive surgery for my injuries and, as most of it was emergency surgery, not a lot of thought went into how the scars would look once they had healed. As a result, although they have faded over the years, the surgical scars are still quite obvious.
I have scarring on both legs, my head and face, and even under my toes! My back was pretty much the only scar free part of my body. Now I can cover most of the scars with clothing, if I choose to, but at the start, some of them were less easy to hide. These included ones on my wrists and inner elbows, as well as a bright red scar that went across my nose and under my left eye, which I was very conscious of. It faded relatively quickly, but for years it would reappear if I caught the sun.
I also had a deep scar in the middle of my forehead, which was hard to disguise as I had lost the hair in that part of my hairline. The most visible scar, which remains so to this day, was from my tracheostomy. However, the scar I found most challenging was the one on my left inner calf. I had nearly lost my leg and a considerable chunk had been taken out of it. It took many years to settle down and look less obvious.
I had a wonderful group of friends at the time of my accident. They never treated me any differently whilst allowing me to recover physically.
I had been an incredibly shy child and this happening in my teenage years had a devastating effect on my confidence. I had just had my first boyfriend and I worried that no one would want to date me again because of my scars. It turned out that my worries were unfounded, as none of the people I have since dated have ever commented on my scars.
To add to my insecurity at the time further, as part of the compensation claim, I had to be photographed from every angle to record my scars and strip down to my underwear in front of a group of solicitors, so they could see the damage for themselves. It was a humiliating experience.
Thankfully, I had a wonderful group of friends at the time of my accident, who were understanding and gave me so much support. They never treated me any differently whilst allowing me to recover physically. There was just one time I recall, some years after my accident, when a friend commented on why I wore trousers all the time. She had assumed that this was to hide the scars on my legs. In fact, it was because my skin is so naturally pale, that I didn’t want to offend anyone with the pasty colour of my skin!
This spurred me on to never allow anyone to think like this again and in my late teens and 20s I wore miniskirts and short dresses all the time, with no cares that my scars were on show. Both of my lower legs now have lymphoedema, which means I have to wear surgical compression stockings. I do wear my “lovely” beige coloured stockings supplied by my GP, but I was straight on the internet to find some more colourful alternatives. At least I don’t need to worry about how pale my legs are anymore!
These days I am quite the opposite of the shy person I was when I had the accident. I wouldn’t be me without my scars.
I never had any formal support after my accident, instead I found my confidence through training to be a nurse. It meant that I had to talk to people, as I couldn’t avoid conversations. People did comment on my tracheostomy scar – both patients and staff – as that was one that I couldn’t cover, and although it’s never nice to have to explain, I did get used to it, to some extent. I think the healthcare environment is partly to do with the number of questions I’ve had. I doubt that people would have thought it appropriate to ask if I was in a standard office job.
Working with people with cancer did make me more aware of this scar. I remember one of my patients had at least two tracheostomies and you couldn’t even tell he’d had them the surgeon had done such a good job. It made me angry that the surgeon who had closed mine many years ago hadn’t done the same. My GP has referred me to a plastic surgeon for the revision of this one, because I feel like it could have been treated much better at the time, but the rest of my scars don’t bother me.
The only time I’ve been offended by a reaction to my scars was at a party when a woman I didn’t know came over, jabbed her finger towards my tracheostomy scar, and said, “I’ve had one of those”. Rather a rude introduction!
These days I am quite the opposite of the shy person I was when I had the accident. I wouldn’t be me without my scars. While I have moments of insecurity about my tracheostomy scar, in general, it no longer bothers me to have them on show. 25 years ago, I decided to get some of what I call my “voluntary scars” in the form of tattoos. In the years since, I have had a total of seven tattoos, none of which I have used to hide any scarring.
Helen’s tiger tattoo
For my 49th birthday I treated myself to the best “scar” I’ve ever had, a huge tattoo of a tiger that fills the whole of my back and is my pride and joy.
To people who have a visible difference, I know how hard it is to have people stare at you or make rude or flippant comments. Just remember that it’s their ignorance that causes them to behave like this. They don’t know you as a person. You will begin to accept yourself with time and support. It’s not always a quick process, but remember that you are still you – a human being with your own personality and unique contribution to the world.
