I’m Karen and at 28 years old, I developed breast cancer. Since then, I’ve had many surgeries and acquired many scars, including having undergone a double mastectomy.
To lose my breasts in my 30s was very difficult. My husband became hugely protective of me, as he didn’t want people to treat me differently because of what I’d been through.
Not only was it a battle to accept my new appearance, but also to come to terms with losing a part of my sexuality. In society, it’s accepted that women have two breasts, but for me, and thousands of other women, that isn’t the case. It felt like I was no longer a woman, and that was incredibly hard to process.
The issue might be “aesthetic” but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have a psychological impact too.
While my visible difference can be hidden under clothes, that doesn’t mean it never impacts me. Going swimming is especially challenging, particularly for women who use a prosthesis. You become very aware that you don’t look like the other women around you.
Changing rooms can be intimidating. No one has ever said anything to me, but people do stare. Often, it’s looks of pity, and that can be hurtful, even with the best intentions.
There isn’t enough psychological support for women who lose their breasts. During treatment and surgery, there’s plenty of support, but that drops off once you finish treatment. Your emotions fluctuate throughout your journey with cancer and that doesn’t immediately settle once the cancer is gone. You’re still having to live with its impacts.
Karen at Guernsey’s Race For Life
It’s hard to understand the enormity of what a person is going through when they have cancer. The support I did have helped on a surface level, but it didn’t tackle the deep-rooted loss that I felt. It has taken me years to come to terms with it and be able to talk about it.
More support for those going on the journey with us is also vital. Partners are often forgotten in the process, but they still feel the impacts of the challenges that their partners are facing. Losing your breasts can make you worry about how your partner will see you – thoughts of “will they stop being attracted to me?” go through your mind, and they sense this anxiety.
Most people I’ve met have said that this is the hardest part to cope with. It’s unspoken and remains behind closed doors. Many people I know have asked their partners for a divorce or separation because of it. The issue might be “aesthetic” but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t have a psychological impact too.
If we can accept that we are “me” “you” “us” then a weight is lifted.
When I was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time in 2023 (while having no breasts) I asked my husband if he wanted a divorce. We had already been through so much at this point I convinced myself that he may not want to keep going! Lucky for me his words were “no and please don’t ask me that again”. But in the 24 years we have been together – many surgeries, treatments, chemotherapy – he has never been asked if he would like to talk to someone or to share how he is feeling.
Family members, not just partners, also need to be remembered in the process. For families with BRCA, the gene that increases the risk of breast cancer, there needs to be more support. Seeing your loved one go through treatment and surgery is hard, especially if you know you may have to go through the same one day.
It’s taken me about 15 years to have the confidence to not worry about the way I look. For anyone in a similar position, don’t lose faith, try to sit with your new appearance and embrace it. Everyone is different, there’s nothing wrong with that – what the media portrays isn’t real. If we can accept that we are “me” “you” “us” then a weight is lifted. It’s like getting a new lease of life.
