From a very young age, I’ve always struggled to cope with people staring at me. I had to live through that and find a way to build my confidence over the years. I learned how to be a stronger person and not be affected by certain things people would think or say about me.
Between 2018 – 2020, I felt that I’d achieved that. I was speaking out and doing things with Changing Faces. I was confident in myself.
But everything changed for me during the pandemic, when wearing a face mask was mandatory. I remember going into Tesco with my mum one day, wearing a face mask. It was that moment where I noticed no one was looking at me. I remember thinking, “Wow, no one is looking at me!” and I felt relieved. Wearing a mask made me enjoy going into Tesco and other places even more because I was not being stared at.
I decided to get support from Changing Faces, and attended their one-to-one counselling sessions. I learned some new techniques that have really helped me rebuild my confidence.
When lockdown ended, wearing masks wasn’t mandatory. But I was still wearing mine – because at the time, I felt at peace not having to worry about the people around me and their reactions towards my visible difference. I soon realised that I shouldn’t really be hiding behind my mask at all times whenever I was out and about. I felt I was going against everything I stood for. Before the pandemic I was the sort of person who believed in ‘having the confidence to be yourself no matter what you look like’.
It soon got to a point where I needed to do something about the constant anxiety that had crept over me and taken a hold of me. I wasn’t going out. I was a recluse. In my head I was thinking, “I don’t want to be like this. This isn’t ‘me’. I was a confident person before!”
That’s why I decided to get support from Changing Faces, and attended their one-to-one counselling sessions. I learned some new techniques that have really helped me rebuild my confidence.
One of the things that I used to do, even before Covid-19, was go into the supermarket and then immediately look around to see if anyone was staring at me. The Changing Faces practitioner suggested: “Don’t think about other people. Don’t be looking out for it. Focus on what you’re there to do. Go in and do what you normally do.”
Everything I’ve been through has made me stronger and more accepting of myself.
She also gave me other tools that I found useful for these types of situations. For example, when I go into an environment full of people, and see someone looking at me, all I want to do is run away. Instead, I now picture myself wearing a suit of armour. It represents me being strong, and helps me to stand tall.
In negative environments or moments of anxiety when I feel like I want to escape, she told me to imagine myself on a beach feeling calm and at peace. She also told me to focus on my breathing and count from 1 to 10 in those moments. That can calm my anxiety right down.
I don’t wear masks as much anymore now when I am out and about, although I still wear them on the train. There was a particular day recently, though, where I decided not to wear it. I had a spur of confidence that day, as I was feeling fed up with being made to feel invisible by a person I knew. This person made everyone around me feel seen but did not acknowledge me. I was thinking: “Yes, I may look different, but it is okay to acknowledge me.” I held my chin up with confidence, reflecting back on how far I’ve come thanks to my sessions with Changing Faces, trying not to feel intimidated.
Katy likes to reflect on how far she’s come, and uses that to help her to be strong.
This was the only time I decided to be brave when wearing no mask on the train. I still wear them now, but I hope to one day break away from ever wearing a mask again on trains as this is something that I’m still learning to deal with.
Now that I’ve finished my sessions, I do feel more confident. Everything I’ve been through has made me stronger and more accepting of myself. I always reflect on how far I have come, and I use that to help me remember to continue to be strong, and to not worry too much.
I now feel more determined to be a voice in the community and to help other people who are going through the things that I’m going through.
To anyone who has a visible difference and is struggling, I’d say be yourself and don’t let people’s reactions define who you are as a person. You know who you are. Continue to be yourself and shine because there are people who will see you and what you have to offer.
