I think it’s a universal experience to have nerves and doubts before starting university. It can be even harder for people who have a visible difference, where you might have additional worries of how people are going to react to your appearance.
I have vitiligo, an autoimmune condition that causes patches of skin to lose pigment or colour. On the leadup to university, I worried about my vitiligo negatively impacting my experiences and ability to make friends. I found myself thinking through nightmare scenarios and preparing for the worst when it came to other people’s reactions. I was concerned that having a visible difference would attract too much unwanted attention and not give me the option to fit in.
At home I am surrounded by people who know me and admit to not even registering my vitiligo anymore. Going to university, I knew I would have to deal with things alone and that made the unknown seem even more daunting. However, Loughborough was my dream university and as soon as I was accepted I had no doubt that I wanted to go.
I didn’t want to feel like my vitiligo was the first and only thing people saw when they looked at me.
When I arrived, my nerves came in waves and eased as i saw that most people were preoccupied with their own worries. The first two weeks were filled with social events. At times it felt like mental warfare to get myself out the door. Constantly meeting new people seemed like a vulnerable position and I dreaded what they would think. But after lots of positive experiences and when my fears didn’t materialise, I realised it was my mindset holding me back more than other people.
After settling into university I signed up to trial for the university cheerleading team. Negative experiences in the past lead me to worry about people’s reactions. It’s a physical team sport with lots of contact – what if my teammates wouldn’t want to touch me?
Thankfully, after joining the team I felt nothing but accepted. My confidence started to grow from being around such a supportive group of people. Being part of that team was the best part of my first-year experience and I’m so glad I didn’t let myself miss out on that.
By the end of my first month, I had truly settled in.
There were definitely difficulties I faced in my first term from stares, whispering and ignorant questions. Questions like “are you wearing white makeup around your eyes?”
Although the comments didn’t always bother me, it was a reminder that I looked different and it made me self-conscious for the rest of the day. People didn’t realise that they could be the fifth person that day to ask me questions. It’s new to them but I live with it every single day of my life and patiently explaining becomes very draining. I didn’t want to feel like my vitiligo was the first and only thing people saw when they looked at me.
By the end of my first month, I had truly settled in. A key part to this was that I had developed groups of close friends who became my support system. Another turning point was when my cousins were born. There are already three members of my family with vitiligo, so my newborn cousins could likely be more susceptible to developing it too. I didn’t want them to limit themselves just because of their skin and what other people might think.
Emily is thankful that she got involved in student life, which boosted her confidence.
Sometimes it’s easier to do something for others than yourself. I started to see the positives of people being curious – spreading awareness of my condition so that by the time my cousins grow up, there is more acceptance and celebration of difference.
Looking back on my first year I am so proud of everything I’ve achieved. Every small goal – like wearing shorts around campus, built my confidence and snowballed into end of year balls and beach days. I surprised myself by getting so actively involved in student life and I’m so thankful I did. The few negative interactions can’t even begin to outweigh the positive. Vitiligo is only one tiny part of who I am as a person but it’s a part I’m glad is there. I feel lucky to have a unique perspective of the world. I can’t wait to go back to university in September and carry on making the best memories.
